Sunday, December 1, 2013


Dearest Alpo,
Where can I find monkey food? I've gone to Publix, Wal-Mart, PetSmart, and even a few local SMB pet stores, but to no avail. My monkey be hungry! Surely I can't be the only monkey owner in South Florida?
A search of your website comes up empty, too. He's (she's? - how do I tell?) getting tired of bananners.  It, I'll call it "it"... it has flung yellow monkey poo all over my house. It likes cat food, but then my mountain lion gets mad. Last week I fed it Chinese food, but then the damn Chinaman in my bathroom complains. I haven't tried dog food yet - but only because I can't bring a dog in the house. The monkey always tries to tag it.
If you have no monkey food, might it be possible to send some bird my way - or at the very least, coupons for Alpo so I can afford to feed the children.



Thank you for contacting the Nestlé Purina PetCare Company. We always welcome questions and comments from our consumers.
We continue to offer coupons, as well as promotional offers. From time to time, you may see these offers in or on our product packaging, in newspapers and magazines, or on our web sites, such as Also, please note that occasionally, coupons are randomly inserted in our product packaging. We appreciate your interest in our coupons and hope you can take advantage of these coupon offers.
Again, thank you for contacting Nestlé Purina PetCare Company.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Chock Full O' Nuts - Just One of My Vices


Coffee! I drink it. I like it. I want it. There are very few out there that need it more than me. There is a homeless dude in front of the Burger King who holds a sign that states simply, "I need coffee." He might want it slightly more than me. I give him money. I hope he buys coffee with it, and not Miami hookers or South American crank. Speaking of which - besides my addiction to coffee, I am addicted to Miami hookers and South American crank. I can't afford all three. And Chock Full o' Nuts, being a corporation, is therefore my the most likely target for my forthcoming inquiry - how about you find it in your hearts and hook me up with some coupons? I'm so broke, I actually owe Miranda (not 100% certain that is her real name) $16 from our last session. My address is:
Fort Lauderdale, FL XXXXX


Dear Mr. XXXXX,
Thank you for taking the time to contact Massimo Zanetti Beverage Company.
Thanks for your interest in our coffee, and we're happy to send you a
coupon to use!  With the information you have provided, I will be sending
this soon.
Try and for occasional coupons.  Look also for
our occasional coupons in the Sunday paper coupon inserts, too.  Coffee
(and everything else) has gone up so much and coupons are a real blessing.
We value our customers and hope that you will continue to use and enjoy
our products. Again, thank you for contacting Massimo Zanetti Beverage; we
greatly appreciate your loyalty to our coffee.
Consumer Response Center

Massimo Zanetti Beverage

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Red Bull gives you Wiiings (and Free Stuff!!!)


$5.00 for less that 19 oz of your beverage? I buy crack for less than that, and let me tell you - that shit gives you wings. Speaking of Wings - you remember that TV show?  That was pretty good, no? I always thought that blonde chick was pretty hot. Helen was it? That's an okay name. Helen. I may name my daughter that. Or at least my cat. Have you seen my cat. He's a beast! Black and sleek and sexy. His pee smells sometimes, though. I feel bad for the Avon lady when she stops by. I think she's too nice to mention it, but I can tell she smells it. That and my shitty-ass farts. But you know what - I don't really care. My flatulence is no longer my problem - it's those behind me.. it's their problem! Fools. But who can blame them? It's like death. You think my dead grandma watches over me? I can't, for the life of me, fathom the logistics of heaven. God can't possibly oversee everyone and their petty prayers for new shoes. I once sold a pair of used shoes on eBay. Got like $9. I could have bought nearly two 19 ouncers for that, but not quite. Do you sell by the sip ever? That might be a good business decision. Put your crappy beverage on tap. God bless. Oh, send me some coupons from Germany. Or is it Austria? Peace,
Fort Lauderdale, FL  XXXXX


Hi Francis,

That was definitely the most entertaining email I've read in a while!  Glad to hear your gassy issue has subsided!

I would send you some coupons if I had them, but Red Bull doesn't do coupons. Why? Well, paper cuts for one. They can be really painful. No, but in all seriousness, retail stores set the price - so if there are deals, they would be at the store directly. 

But here's a little something you might find helpful: if you buy Red Bull by the case, it's cheaper than buying it by the can. You can pick up a case of 24 cans at your local retailer or membership club. 

Oh, and before I forget, there is something I can offer you. If you and your buddies need some wiiings, just hit me back with your full name and addy (not a P.O. box). I'll see if I can put together a little something from us..

Thanks for being such a fan!
Red Bull
Twitter: @RedBull

Budweiser and the Breakfast Beer suggestion


Two words - breakfast beer. Why not? Screw coffee and orange juice. Gatorade now has a morning beverage. Fast food joints are pushing their breakfast menu big time. The a.m. market is a goldmine! And beer makers need their share of the profit. And I'm not talking about a lame 'Blue Moon' type beer where some loser throws in an orange and calls it breakfast - I say make it twice as potent. After all, what better way to start your day than with some liquid courage to get you through the sales meeting. Why let Kahlua or Jameson or Bloody Mary mixers corner the market on breakfast beverage tomfoolery - beer is better. Toss in some minerals, vitamins, and a bacon aroma and you'll truly be the 'King of Beers.' Imagine - increased sales, thus creating jobs, thus boosting the economy, thus saving the world - in that order! Don't let the conservative fruitcakes dictate your marketing efforts. Breakfast beer. I repeat - breakfast beer. Has a nice ring to it, no? Speaking of a nice ring to it - "Happy Hour - 7am - 10am". Wow. That brought me chills. 
I'm here for you, Budweiser! Although, maybe my intentions are to make me feel less guilty about my tall boy and Cheerios routine every morning.   

Ok - I gave you the best thing since sliced bread - now hook me up with some coupons! 

Peace and happiness, 

Francis Ledbetter
Fort Lauderdale, FL  XXXXX


Hello Francis,

Thanks for getting in touch.  I really appreciate you stopping by the site and sharing your suggestion with us.

I just wanted to shoot you a quick note and let you know that we did receive your e-mail.  I have forwarded it to the correct group for review.  Also, we quite a few ideas on a daily basis.  Please understand that not all of them can be implemented or used.  Our company sets our strategic direction months in advance, and therefore some ideas (even good ones) may not work with where we’re headed.  

Thanks again for getting in touch, Francis.  I wish you all the best and hope that you’ll enjoy the crisp, clean taste of an ice-cold Budweiser sometime soon!  Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you in the future.

Your Friend at Budweiser
1-800-DIAL-BUD (1-800-342-5283)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Fulmer Helmets (My first ever corporate letter)

Dear Fulmer Helmets,

I have recently purchased my first motorcycle helmet, which I’m proud to say is a black Fulmer Modus AF-M.  It is a very fine helmet.  It’s ultra comfortable, which was my prime objective in my quest for head safety.  And the Fulmer Modus AF-M helmet is superior in coziness, enabling me to wear it all the time.  Even when I’m sleeping.  You see, my girlfriend goes into spastic, violent behaviors while asleep, oftentimes kicking and punching me in the face, throat, chest and groin.  She, we’ll call her Maria, has recently been diagnosed with the parasomnia entitled Rapid Eye Movement Behavior Disorder (RBD). RBD occurs when Maria acts out dramatic and/or violent dreams during rapid eye movement (REM) stage sleep.  First described in medical literature in 1986, RBD, or sleep terror, can involve yelling, screaming, punching, and kicking in the night.

Needless to say, I am pleased with the cranial protection my Fulmer Modus AF-M helmet has provided under times of duress.  I no longer awake to a series of punishing blows to my eye sockets, rather now I awake to a shrieking cry of agony – on her behalf!  For now she is the one in pain, due to swollen knuckles and split finger joints, because after repeated vicious attacks to the hard, unforgiving plastic of my Fulmer AF-M helmet.  I hope, over time, she will eventually learn to awake before the fifth or sixth jab so that the damage won’t take such severe toll on her delicate fingers.  On the bright side, however, she at least has the presence of mind to remove her rings before falling asleep, therefore avoiding scratches and dents to my Fulmer AF-M helmet surface.

Lastly, does Fulmer Helmets also provide any comfortable groin protection?  As it stands, I sleep with my back to Maria so as to avoid sudden and jarring knees to my scrotum; and as an added measure of security, I shackle her feet together upon hearing the first snore of the eve, signaling the onset of her heavy sleep pattern.  However, it would be nice to spoon again, like we did years ago, before the onset of her RBD.  If groin protection is available, I believe the romance could reign in our bedroom once again!  If a catalog is available, please forward it to the address below.

Sincere and many thanks,

XXXX Magazine St.
New Orleans, LA  70130


Hi Greg,

That is the wildest catalog request I have EVER had!  Your catalog is in the mail today.  You might try the helmet box for your groin protection - or better yet - another Fulmer helmet available in Xtra Small (Just kidding!)

Thanks for the smiles and I wish the best for you and Maria.  Perhaps a good surprise present for her would be a pair of soft boxing gloves to wear to bed (to protect her hands!)

Customer Service Specialist